Employment Advice

March 14, 2006

I recently obtained a new job and am now officially important. For those of you still struggling under the yoke of meniality and oppression, I thought I’d offer up some advice for changing your situation. After all, if I can do it, there’s probably at least a chance I can teach you lesser mortals to have a stab.

Probably the most important part of the process but one a lot of people leave out. How many of you applied to the job I ended up getting? Few or even none, I bet. I hope you can see where you’re making the mistakes already.

In filling out the application form, there are a few common pitfalls to avoid:

– You will get a chance to demonstrate your creativity and sense of humour during some part of the recruitment process. The application form is not this part.

– Employers frequently take half of the forms and throw them away. This helps the company to avoid recruiting people who are just plain unlucky, this being bad for business. Get round this by submitting multiple forms with staggered postage dates. Avoid suspicion by using pen names.

– Do not staple a £10 note to the form. Whilst this shows business acumen and ambition, it presents the danger that postmen, whose highly attuned noses can smell the ink used in bank notes, will ‘misplace’ your application en route. Multiple applications can again mitigate this risk, but if you have that many spare tenners why are you changing jobs?

Now is the chance to impress with your flair, dynamism, and snappy shoes. Remember:

– You cannot get a new job in a suit that costs less than £100. You cannot get a new job in a suit that costs more then £1000. You cannot get a new job in a clown suit. (clown jobs the exception here. also other circus roles – bearded lady etc. – as this shows willingness to learn.)

– Body language is important. Words make up only a fraction of what we communicate. Convey as much as you can about your skill set, past experience, and enthusiasm through the medium of dance.

– A good interview is where you can be comfortable enough to laugh. A great interview is where you can make the interviewer laugh. A bad interview is when the interviewer laughs so hard they accidently let out a little bit of pee. Strike a balance, mr comedian.

So you’ve got the job. Great! You are a king amongst men. But you could still blow it at this last hurdle. Phrases to avoid when offered the position:

“Don’t I need to sleep with anyone first?”
“Hold on, let me check with my mum.”
“Ha ha! Ha ha! I’m rich! World domination is finally at hand!”
“So what exactly is your policy on cross-dressing at work?”

That’s unfortunately all I have time for. I hope these tips see you in good stead and that your career duly blooms from here onwards. See you at the top of the ladder!


TV Cookery Programmes You May Have Missed

March 14, 2006

Best of the Wurst
Big Broiler
Location, Location, Lobster
Peel Or No Peel?
Celebrity Celery Soiree
Baguette Duel!


March 14, 2006

The man had spent all day in the revolving door, going round and round. I eventually asked him what was happening.

“It’s my comment on things,” he explained. “Life.”

I usually find it best to allow these people their little freedoms. But my curiosity was aroused; I asked him to elaborate.

“This door,” he indicated, continuing his revolutions, “is neither an entrance or an exit. Or it is both, depending on how you look at it. Do you see?”

I had to admit I did not.

“Most doors are like that,” I said. “Even normal ones are used for entering and exiting both. According to the situation.”

Well, you can imagine his reaction. I fear I will never understand art.

TV News

March 14, 2006

Humphrey Jones, ITV spokesman, talked yesterday of the network’s plans to re-establish the game-show format on prime time television.

“All people have been watching for years now is ‘reality’ T.V,” he said. “We think it’s time for a change. Our creative panel has come up with a real winner this time.”

The new programme, titled “Baboon or Bust”, will pit contestants in monkey suits against others dressed as bananas. They will compete across various high-adrenaline events to win cash prizes.

“We might throw in real monkeys from time to time,” said Jones. “Or real bananas. It’s about as far from reality as you get.”