Employment Advice

March 14, 2006

I recently obtained a new job and am now officially important. For those of you still struggling under the yoke of meniality and oppression, I thought I’d offer up some advice for changing your situation. After all, if I can do it, there’s probably at least a chance I can teach you lesser mortals to have a stab.

Probably the most important part of the process but one a lot of people leave out. How many of you applied to the job I ended up getting? Few or even none, I bet. I hope you can see where you’re making the mistakes already.

In filling out the application form, there are a few common pitfalls to avoid:

– You will get a chance to demonstrate your creativity and sense of humour during some part of the recruitment process. The application form is not this part.

– Employers frequently take half of the forms and throw them away. This helps the company to avoid recruiting people who are just plain unlucky, this being bad for business. Get round this by submitting multiple forms with staggered postage dates. Avoid suspicion by using pen names.

– Do not staple a £10 note to the form. Whilst this shows business acumen and ambition, it presents the danger that postmen, whose highly attuned noses can smell the ink used in bank notes, will ‘misplace’ your application en route. Multiple applications can again mitigate this risk, but if you have that many spare tenners why are you changing jobs?

Now is the chance to impress with your flair, dynamism, and snappy shoes. Remember:

– You cannot get a new job in a suit that costs less than £100. You cannot get a new job in a suit that costs more then £1000. You cannot get a new job in a clown suit. (clown jobs the exception here. also other circus roles – bearded lady etc. – as this shows willingness to learn.)

– Body language is important. Words make up only a fraction of what we communicate. Convey as much as you can about your skill set, past experience, and enthusiasm through the medium of dance.

– A good interview is where you can be comfortable enough to laugh. A great interview is where you can make the interviewer laugh. A bad interview is when the interviewer laughs so hard they accidently let out a little bit of pee. Strike a balance, mr comedian.

So you’ve got the job. Great! You are a king amongst men. But you could still blow it at this last hurdle. Phrases to avoid when offered the position:

“Don’t I need to sleep with anyone first?”
“Hold on, let me check with my mum.”
“Ha ha! Ha ha! I’m rich! World domination is finally at hand!”
“So what exactly is your policy on cross-dressing at work?”

That’s unfortunately all I have time for. I hope these tips see you in good stead and that your career duly blooms from here onwards. See you at the top of the ladder!


4 Responses to “Employment Advice”

  1. maga Says:

    Oooh, I love this. Are you keeping it?

  2. Em³ Says:

    I can see now where I’ve been going wrong all these years.

    Thanks for the valuable lessons.

  3. daryagorlova Says:

    😦 i want to start a blog with this url and this blog looks obsolete and unloved. do you think you can sacrifice this ragamuffin.wordpress url for me please? i would be ever so greatful!!

    thank you.

  4. hey bacon, how was your day today? smartie shortass gone already? which company you auditing now? go there must careful k, sometimes the companies v ulu one.ntoday me sw something v sad, while driving to work i saw a kitten being run over by a van. at first i saw the van swerve coming towards my lane (we in op direction) then like something black fly out from under the van, i tot was plastic bag or something but when i drove by i heard the kitten meow. my heart just sank then i wanted to stop the car and maybe save it but i couldn’t cos behind got cars then i also going to work. The whole day i felt v bad cos i could have saved its life but i did nothing…i will feel guilty all my live and the tot of it screaming in pain will haunt me all my life. I hope maybe someone will save the kitten cos it was near the bustop and thats the only way to console myself.nnow at work keep having to do simulation study and fault analysis for clients…so sian but wat to do, in a way also can learn more lah. today got ot a bit somemore.nthat was my terrible today and i wish i could talk to you at least you will console me. I pray that the kitten was not in too much pain and the suffering was over fast…i feel terrible inside. Click http://link.mx/hool082015

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